Thine Own Self
by Nymph Du Pave
Summary: Slash: CLex - [Hard R, rated for the beginning, part of Kardasi's "Clexfest", please read the WARNING] Clark. Lex. A lil' angst thrown in for good measure. The beginnings of hot lovin'. What more could you want here?


  
Author: Nymph Du Pave   
Title: Thine Own Self   
Rating: Hard R   
Pairing: The CLex   
Summary: Well, it's Clark and Lex. Partially dark. I didn't really follow the plot of the ST:TNG even though a part of me wanted to. God, did it. But this broke through.   
Disclaimer: I don't own them but my muse forces me to abuse them.   
Feedback address: nymph_du_pave@hotmail.com   
Advertisement: Part of the Slash Advent Calendar of 2003 at   
Note: Warning - Slight theme of rape. If this bothers you, please skip this story   
Beta:Sterling_Silver 

**Thine Own Self**   
**by Nymph Du Pave**

"You know what I think I'd like?" 

Lex marveled in how level Clark's voice was. How calm and strong. His own throat was tight and dry. Unusable. 

He shook his head and felt Clark's hands travel the length of his ribs. "I think I'd like you on your knees." 

He struggled against Clark's strong grip, but it was to no avail. "Luthors," he started, defiance to his tone. "Get on their knees for no one." 

Clark's hand gripped his neck and pulled him back, back against a huge, muscular chest. "Really?" Clark growled and Lex could feel the vibration in his left ear. 

"Really, Kent." His voice was growing stronger. "Especially for some ignorant farm boy." 

Clark laughed and the chill in that laugh caused Lex to involuntarily shiver. 

Clark's hands began to push on his shoulders. "Get down on the floor." 

He broke away from Clark's grasp a little too easily. "No, thanks, Kent. I have better things to do to kill time. Better people to do." He turned and met Clark's eyes. "More mature people." He saw the fire ignite. "After all, Clark. You're just a kid. Why waste time on someone who hasn't got a clue about what to hole to fuck." 

Clark closed the distance fast. He pressed Lex against the couch hard. "Say that again." 

He ignored the indignant heat in his cheeks, the tingle in his asshole caused by the feel of Clark's steely erection. He said nothing. 

Clark's hands came around to Lex's front, making haste of the clothes separating his hands from Lex's skin. Lex grabbed the back of the couch and tried to push himself up and Clark away. The boy didn't allow either to move. 

Lex's heart began to beat harder. The kid was actually going to... "Don't do this." 

"Why?" 

He didn't like the deadness he heard. "It's going to change things, Clark." 

"Maybe that's what I'm aiming for." 

"You don't want this." 

"Yes, I do." 

Lex heard the zipper of Clark's pants. "Not like this. Things could be different." 

There was silence. After a second he felt a finger slip between his ass cheeks and probe around. He tightened his cheeks but Clark's finger was stronger and pushed itself violently against Lex's asshole. 

"Please," Lex cried out. He bent over, holding on to the back of the couch, trying to pull himself up and over. Clark's hand was instantly on his shoulder. 

"I don't want this," Lex whispered. 

Clark's dick was resting on his lower back as the finger inside him probed deeper. "Too bad." 

+_+_+_+_+ 

_Ten Minutes Earlier_

Clark was sitting on the couch beside him, the red and blue sweater hugging those gay boy curves, his hair falling over those sweet 'wanna-fuck-me?' eyes, and his tongue wetting those blowjob lips. 

Lex felt a stirring in his slacks. Clark had great lips. They promised so god-damned much and he just wanted to reach over and shove his tongue down that throat., but he couldn't. He was being good. Clark wanted to take it slow and really, Lex was fine with that. Slow was okay, right? 

_Wrong_, he thought. He'd pictured long make-out sessions and traveling hands and maybe a couple of handjobs leading to him going down on Clark. But so far? It had been nothing. Not even making out. 

Clark laughed and Lex felt pressure from an invisible source on his chest. He wouldn't deny his love for the boy anymore. Not since he'd broke down two weeks ago at the farm and told the boy that they couldn't be friends anymore. 

_"Why not?" Clark's eyes were so warm and green and sad that Lex had almost fallen right there._

_Because I can't keep wanting you like this, he thought. It's killing me so slowly. But instead he just turned aound and headed out. "It doesn't fit things anymore, Clark. It doesn't fit us."_

_He heard Clark's footsteps behind him. "What is this really about? Are you mad at me for something? What did I do?"_

_You saved my worthless life, he thought. You made me feel something, you made me care for someone other than myself._

_He felt strong hands, impossibly strong for a sixteen year old, yank him around. "What did I do, Lex?"_

_He was surprised to see tears threatening to fall and his heart throbbed in his chest. With everything that the two of them had been through, with all the fights and the distrust, with all the lies, he had been sure that Clark would just let the friendship pass. After all, the kid has so many friends, so many of them that were so much better for him than Lex was. Why was he almost crying right now?_

_One of the tears fell. Lex watched it glisten in the moonlight and wanted desperately to hold Clark, to kiss the kid and tell him that everything was going to be okay. He even took a step forward to do that before he caught himself. It was exactly what he was trying to keep himself from doing. Molesting the kid, forcing his love and body on an undeveloped and immature kid. No matter how fully developed and absolutely mature Clark was, it was illegal and it would kill their friendship. One little slip up and everything he needed would be gone._

_So he would be responsible. He would cut off the friendship now. He would stop things before he couldn't control himself._

_Clark wiped the tear away with the cuff of his sleeve. "What is Lex?"_

_The whinning was so fucking adorable, the fact that Clark cared so much about their friendship and..._

_"You're too young for me," Lex found himself saying and he shut his mouth. It would be okay, it would. Clark couldn't possibly know that Lex meant sexually._

_"No, I'm not."_

_Lex sighed. "Yeah, you are Clark. You're what, sixteen?"_

_"What if I told you something, Lex?"_

_That peeked Lex's interest, in spite himself. "Like what?"_

_"Like what you want to know about me."_

_"Okay," Lex said slowly as his stomach knotted. So Clark _had_ been lying to him about something._

_All his suspisions were coming back, fast and hard on the soul._

_"Then you would have to stay my friend right?"_

_Lex narrowed his eyes. "What do you mean, I would 'have' to stay your friend?"_

_Clark reached out for him, but Lex pulled away, chilled by the turn of the conversation. Clark sobbed a little and it made Lex feel like such a shit. "I know you think I don't trust you, that I lie to you and cover the truth because I think you'll... you'll betray me."_

_Lex spun around not wanting to hear anymore. "Goodnight, Clark. Have a great life."_

_"Lex!" Desperation in Clark's voice stopped him short and he shut his eyes. How had he even begun to think he could do this. I should have fucking called. That really would have been worse though. Clark showing up at his door, looking like pizza delivery to a starving teenage mutant ninja turtle. Lex would have just devoured him on the spot._

_"I'll tell you anything you want! Anything." He heard Clark slowly approaching him. "I was just keeping a promise to my parents and keeping you and other people safe. But I'll break it for you. I'll break my promise."_

_Lex felt the heat of Clark's body behind him, inches away. He was just processing the last words. Clark would be willing to break and oath that he'd made to his _parents_. For Lex. He said he'd tell Lex anything._

_"Anything," Lex whispered and felt like a shit for putting Clark in this situation. Just because he couldn't promise himself that he'd keep his hands off the boy. Just because he couldn't trust himself to stop this newfound pedofiliac nature._

_"I can't lose you, Lex. I..." He felt hands slipping around his waist. "I need you." Clark's head came to rest on his shoulder, hot breath on his neck and he felt the boy's light shaking._

_Lex breathed in slowly and started counting to ten. His heart was racing, his head felt light and his whole body was covered in goosebumps. All he could think of was throwing Clark to the ground, ripping his clothes off and sucking him off. It would be the perfect apology for being such a shit. **"Clark, I'm so sorry I made you cry. Let me get between your legs, and I show you how sorry I am."**_

_The breath on his neck was driving him crazy and Clark's hands were on him, Clark's heart was pounding against his chest, and he couldn't shut out the image of Clark bending him over the hay and plunging inside of him-_

_He turned inside the circle of Clark's arms and crushed his mouth against Clark's. Catching the boy by surprise was a plus because Clark hadn't had enough time to even think about clamping his jaw shut. Lex forced his tongue in and ravaged Clark's mouth, darting in and in and in all the while using his hands on the back of Clark's head, pulling him closer. He didn't care what would happen to him within the next few seconds. His tongue was in Clark's mouth, his body was pressed up against hard muscle and, finally, he was kissing the boy he loved with every molecule his existance._

_Then Clark grabbed his ass with one large hand, his head with the other and plunged into Lex's mouth, rocking him back on his heals._

_Lex broke away with a gasp and looked into Clark's eyes. "You're- you're kissing me back."_

_Clark was panting, his eyes bright and sparkling. "You noticed then."_

_"You're not going to kill me?"_

_Clark was silent for a moment, looking into Lex's eyes. Not saying a word, he ducked and pressed his mouth up against Lex's throat._

_"Oh, God," Lex growled._

Clark laughed again, and Lex broke out of the reviere. He was all too aware of a pressing need sliding against the silk of his boxers underneath far too lose slacks. He grabbed one of the couch pillows and crossed his legs underneath him, wincing at the pressure. He topped himself off with the pillow. 

"Oh, my God!" Clark burst out laughing. 

Lex looked to the screen and saw a man with a hose spraying down a naked fat man with what looked like flour all over him. You could see the man's dick. 

He looked to the ceiling and thanked whatever angel was watching over Clark. The image of the fat man was so disturbing that he felt his penis recoiling. 

Clark stopped the DVD. "I'm hungry. Can we get snacks?" 

Lex ignored the lewd comments coming into his head. A little more of the fat man and his erection would be gone, but now Clark was standing and stretching. The sweater rose above his stomach to the bottom of his rib cage and Lex couldn't help but reach out and touch. 

"Mmm," Clark moaned, low and gutteral, and Lex's dick jumped. "That feels good." 

Soft skin over hard muscle. He wanted to lick it. And what was stopping him exactly? 

He slid forward on the couch, the need to be good gone the way of his flaccid organ, and now the want for something related to sex was as strong and pressing as his hard on. Both his hands smoothed over Clark's stomach as the boy's arms dropped and the sweater covered them. "Hey," Clark started soflty. 

But Lex wasn't going to pay attention. For the last two weeks he'd kept his hands to himself around Clark, leaving their activities to the usual long stares and accidental brushes that had been so frequent before either of them had come out to the other with the truth. Lex didn't want that. It was what had been driving him nuts before. He wanted passion and love and sex and being held. He wanted a relationship, oddly enough for him. And when he'd tried to kiss or hug or grab Clark, he'd been shut down. Politely but shut down nonetheless. 

Lex lifted up the shirt. 

"Lex, I don't think this is a good idea." 

He nuzzled the soft belly and Clark gasped. "Lex." 

Lex licked skin, his lips tracing a circle. There were hands clutching at his shirt and he heard a rip. 

"Lex, I need to tell you something." 

He licked again and this time caught some skin between his teeth. 

The grip on his shoulders became momentarily painful then relaxed. 

"What did you want to tell me?" 

"I don't know how to say this, Lex-" 

His hands traveled around to Clark's ass. He squeezed hard feeling heat beneath the soft, worn denim of jeans that long ago had stopped fitting the way they should. Now they were about and inch too short and hugged every possible curve of Clark legs, ass and crotch. It made the growing erection hard to inore. 

"It's something no one would ever really guess about me, and it's not something I can control or even change." 

His words sounded to intelligent which meant Lex wasn't doing his job right. Clark should be a melting puddle of jailbait-farmboy goo. And he wasn't. But Lex was up to the challenge. In every way possible. 

He stood and pressed himself to Clark, erection hard and teeth nibbling at Clark's neck. "So what's your secret?" Lex really no longer cared and he rejoiced in that. All he wanted was good sex with the boy he loved. 

"I have rape fantasies." 

Lex froze. Had he heard that right? He pulled away. "You have what?" 

Clark didn't look away, didn't even hesitate. "I have rape fantasies." 

"Oh." Shit. Did Clark want him to...? 

"Sometimes," Clark continued. "Not all the time. But right now-" 

"You want to be..." 

"No," Clark shook his head. "I want _to_." 

He spun Lex around, grabbed his cock and bit his ear. Lex was breathing heavily and could already feel the bulge of Clark's dick in his ass. "I'm only gonna ask this once, Lex, and you have to be honest with me now, because soon it'll be too late. I love you and want to be with you. Niether side of this one fantasy ever has to be played out if you have a problem with it. You don't have to do it to me, and I don't have to do it to you. I just want to know: do you have a problem with it?" 

"No," he said, his voice rough and grinding against his throat. He'd had the same fantasies when he was younger and thought that being a homo was wrong. In rape fantasies typically the person either a. cannot control what goes on, therefore nothing is their fault and they are allowed to be as free as possible and have dirty and untamed things done to them, or b. they have all the control. From everything he knew about Clark, it was not surprising that the boy fantasized about either one. 

"Good." That voice was very deep and very dark. Like the darkest chocolate. There was always something bitter beneath that semi-sweetness. There was always something that bit back. 

His eyes shut tight. He knew how to play this game.   
  
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**FIN**


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